Thoughts at 3 In The Morn
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Whats Love? (Shanti)


Its one of those nights where u would love nothing more then to curl up into a ball go to sleep and never open ure eyes again.
I hate these nights... its still so disgustingly quiet all I hear are the crickets and other assorted insects outside the window carrying on with there night song.
Right now at this time id be at work,but called off tonight.
Someone passed away to a new world or a new life... if I could even believe in reincarnation anymore.
I love my job. I work in an elderly home in the dementia/mental ward its called shepards garden.
Last night one of my favorite nutz died lisalotte.
She was adorable always always smiling and laughing she couldnt talk english she was german and eventually forgot all togather how to talk so her main languge was babble.
Im heartbroken that someone so happy with there life even bed ridden and diagnosed with cancer and a mental illness but yet still happy had to be taken away from us.
On top of that my son is ill he says nothing hurts yet he is running a fever and was throwing up earlier tonight he turned 4 on Aug 17 im having a birthday party for him morrow. I just hope he feels better.
Im also having problems dealing with certain areas of my life right now. I have been in love with the same person for 5 years and we spent that whole 5 years hooked at the hip inseperable and now it feels were drifting apart hes not the same person I met so long ago. I add he is also my sons father. We started out as a couple young stupid and in love. I ended up knocked up he stuck around then became abusive towards me we spilt apart but remained the closest of friends. Still in love with him as ever I was. And then one day we ran out of words and things to say and everything became silent he comes down at least 2 a week and when hes here we could be sitting right next to each other a feel miles apart its heart breaking. Love is the worst feeling emotion in the world. I feel like I lost a peice of me something vital. Its kinda like goin down a roller coaster hill the very 1st one where ure belly drops and u get that feeling of falling or the helplessness u feel when a friend dies I hate it. And theres nothing I can do to fix it or change it maybe everything we needed to say has allready been said. But it is having a great effect on MY Si and BPD. Or maybe that explains it the borderline personality disorder i have to fight constantly with.
Regardless it hurts like hell.
I think ill be goin off to bed now... I guess i just threw my life into a bunch of peoples faces but I assume thats what the blog is for. To be able to express how I feel in a decent manner.
If anyone read it thanks for listening.

~FROZEN-DREAMZ~